This checklist is designed as a practical tool to help therapists, couples, and individuals evaluate the health of their relationship.

It is not a validated psychological questionnaire, but rather a reflective guide based on established research. Use it to spark meaningful conversations and identify areas for growth.

Focus on behavioral patterns (repeated actions) rather than isolated incidents.

Use the 1-5 scale (1 = never, 5 = always) to assess the frequency of positive or negative patterns.

1. Authenticity and Physiological Ease

Question: “Do I feel authentically myself in their presence?”
Observe:

• I can express myself without monitoring my words or tone.
• My body feels relaxed (no tension, no “warning signals”).
• Silence or awkward moments feel natural, not threatening.

Scale: How often do you feel authentic? (1-5)
Research: Physiological stress (e.g., elevated cortisol) during interactions correlates with long-term relationship decline (Gottman, 2011).

2. Core Values and Life Direction

Question: “Do we share core values about life’s direction and priorities?”
Observe:

• We have clarified and agreed on expectations for family, career, finances, and freedom.
• We both live our core values without feeling restricted.
• Conflicts about values are handled with curiosity, not defensiveness.

Scale: How aligned are your values? (1-5)
Research: Value alignment predicts satisfaction better than personality compatibility (Kelly & Conley, 1987).

3. Consistency Between Words and Actions

Question: “Is their behavior consistent with their words over time?”
Observe:

• Their actions match their promises (e.g., prioritization, communication).
• I don’t need to interpret or excuse their behavior to make sense of it.
• Their effort is stable, regardless of mood or circumstances.

Scale: How consistent is their behavior? (1-5)
Research: Behavioral patterns predict relationship outcomes better than intentions (Finkel et al., 2014).

4. Honesty Without Negative Consequences

Question: “Can I express my needs and boundaries without negative consequences?”
Observe:

• When I express a need, I’m met with curiosity or understanding.
• There’s no punishment (e.g., withdrawal, irritation) for being honest.
• We can discuss small disagreements without escalation.

Scale: How safe does it feel to be honest? (1-5)
Research: Couples who avoid conflict have a 35% higher risk of divorce (Gottman, 1999).

5. Accountability in Conflicts

Question: “Do they take active responsibility for their role in conflicts?”
Observe:

• They acknowledge their part in conflicts, without blaming me.
• They repair (e.g., apologize, change behavior) after a conflict.
• We learn from conflicts, rather than fearing them.

Scale: How often do they take responsibility? (1-5)
Research: Couples with high “repair competence” have an 80% lower divorce risk (Gottman, 2015).

6. Unconditional Choice

Question: “Do I feel unconditionally chosen—or do I need to ‘earn’ their commitment?”
Observe:

• I feel prioritized, regardless of their mood or circumstances.
• Their commitment is stable, not dependent on external factors.
• I don’t need to analyze or guess their feelings for me.

Scale: How chosen do you feel? (1-5)
Research: The “feeling of being prioritized” is the strongest predictor of satisfaction (Aron et al., 2013).

7. Relationship’s Impact on Life Quality

Question: “Does this relationship enrich my life in the long run—or drain my resources?”
Observe:

• I have more energy for my goals and relationships outside the partnership.
• The relationship provides stability and security, not chaos.
• I feel stronger in my daily life, not exhausted.

Scale: How does the relationship affect your quality of life? (1-5)
Research: Relationship quality impacts mental health as much as sleep and exercise (Holt-Lunstad, 2010).

Closing Reflection

• Which patterns recur in your relationship?
• Where is there imbalance?
• What is one concrete step you can take to strengthen the positive patterns?

References

• Finkel, E. J., Cheung, E. O., Emery, L. F., Carnes, N. C., & Reis, H. T. (2014). The suffocation model: Why marriage in America is becoming an all-or-nothing institution. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 23(6), 454–459.
• Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. W. W. Norton & Company.
• Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (2. ed.). Harmony.
• Holt-Lunstad, J. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316. 
• Kelly, E. L., & Conley, J. J. (1987). Personality and compatibility: A prospective analysis of marital stability and marital satisfaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(1), 27–40. 
• Aron, A., Norman, C. C., Aron, E. N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R. E. (2013). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(2), 273–284.